I just finished a crazy week where I worked, planned and taught two seminars with my brand-new fiancé, started wedding planning, studied, and wrote an Organic Chemistry final (yuck). I feel like I have been bottling words up inside of my heart all summer, trying to figure out what I am thinking and feeling, and what God is saying. Thank you for all the support and response to my feminism and modesty posts, those topics have become more dear to me than I thought they would. I am so excited to share with you next about boundaries, and will have those posts up before classes start up again for the fall, but tonight I have something different on my heart. I pray God touches your heart, through what He has been teaching me.
Marriage is an analogy for our relationship with God.
“Okay, okay,” you’re saying. “Kayla, we’ve all heard this before.”
But have you really?
I was at church on Sunday, standing in worship. As I tried to listen to the words, and give praises to my Lord, I stopped myself to think. Is this right?
You see, I’ve found it very difficult lately to “feel God.” Through the spring, I prayed for weeks that I would know His tangible presence again as I have in the past. I realized that in the steps my story has taken, I was in a period of more intellectual faith, learning head knowledge to explain what my heart knows, but I was tired of that. I just wanted to fill His sweet Spirit filling my soul.
In May He blessed me by opening up His heart for two very special individuals to me, giving me mental images of His love and plans for them. He also showed me an image of a room full of worshippers being reclothed in pure white as they offered themselves in worship. I cried in gratitude, as He filled my need. I began a new journal, in anticipation of hearing and seeing more of Him.
But then it again got quiet.
My heart felt distanced, but yet I continued to live as if everything were normal. I prayed with my man. I agreed to spend my life pursuing God at his side. I read the Word. I lifted my voice in worship. I participated as a member of His Body of believers. I prayed over others, that they might hear His voice. I made decisions that I believed would honour Him.
When I stopped myself from singing on Sunday, I questioned my actions. Is singing the words, and praying the prayers right if my heart feels nothing? When my head knows God is there, but my heart is cold?
Because I am newly engaged, I’ve taken more interest in articles, sermons, and conversations about how to have a Christ-like marriage, as well as what makes marriages work. One of the most common things I’ve heard is that once married, there will be times when you don’t feel love for your spouse. What keeps marriages strong is loving the other person through your actions and attitudes, selflessly serving like Christ.
Thinking back to passages like the end of Ephesians 5, I realized that if our marriages are supposed to model Christ, couldn’t interpersonal dynamics give wisdom in our relationship with God as well?
If I’m supposed to love my spouse through my actions, even when my heart feels distant from them, can I not also love Christ through my actions, regardless of my emotional connection with Him? Isn’t that what makes relationships last?
So, Father God, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I let my selfish needs take precedence over a chance to praise Your name. I will continue to love You, through the way that I live, regardless of how You choose to reveal Yourself to me. You deserve my praise, always. You are unchanging, even when my heart is fickle.